I am numb this week. May 6th marked 3 months since Buggy passed. Along with the upcoming holiday, Mothers day. All I want to do, is lay in bed all day. Pretend its just a regular Sunday. My sister is coming home, to help ease the blow. Mother’s day is always at my Mothers house. My aunts, uncles, and grandma come to my Mom and Gary’s each year. There is no doubt that this year Mothers day will suck. To make it even harder, Aria passed at my moms. I’ve done a lot of avoiding their residence. Not because its creepy or scary. Its just filled with memories. More of her alive than dead. But everything in that house, reminds me of her.
When I enter “her” bedroom (it is the “guest” bedroom but if you asked her, it was HER bedroom) all I can think of is what she was thinking in her last moments. I’m reminded of the traumatic entrance as I walked into their building. The big grey Hennepin County Medical Examiners box of a vehicle was proof that this was real. I kept saying, I didn’t want to see her. I was terrified to see her. All I could do was muster up the courage to hold her hand as they wheeled her out with a sheet over her body. She was cold, it was her hand, but she was cold.
I talked to her 9 hours prior. Her last text to me was ” Love you, Good night mom.” She sent it was 10:36pm. Before I fell asleep, I sent her another text ” I love you!” at 11:50 pm that went “unread.” I often wonder how I would feel if I didn’t get that text. I wonder if she sent it knowing what she was about to do?
What I haven’t told you all is that Aria and I got in an argument the night before she passed. I am not ready to touch on that. Someday, I will, its apart of her story. If you read her last Instagram post, you could tell that she was mad at certain family members, I was definitely one of them. Aria and I had a discussion before bed. I felt satisfied that we cleared up any misunderstanding. To get the ” Love you” text made me think everything was squashed, tomorrow was a new day. I thank her and God for that text. I don’t know what I’d do if I didn’t have that peace of mind.
” Youth is a time of impulsivity. Understanding this particular piece of impulsivity might be a key to preventing youth suicide.” Psychology Today: Sandler, E.P.(2011, July 7th)