This Friday marks my last day at work. I am excited and scared to see what the future holds. During the 2nd week of April, I told HR that I would be leaving Park permanently. Giving them a 2 and ½ month notice in hopes that I could find a job working solely in Suicide Prevention. But it hasn’t worked out that way.
Last Friday, I had Happy Hour with a board member of an organization that provides funds for mental health care services to schools around the state. It’s an incredible organization. At the end of our glass of wine and appetizer’s, I found myself in tears, thanking her for caring. She has a full-time job (not in the mental health field) and a young family. She works for the board, over and above everything else. Simply because she sees a need, and she cares.
When I got home, I was alone. I started thinking about my day. I became emotional about my upcoming end date at work. I started to go over in my head how many emails I’ve sent to Legislators, Representatives, Suicide Organizations, “people of authority” in Minnesota, with no response. Not even a simple “No, sorry, not interested, good luck with your mission.” I’ve literally sent over 100 emails. I started to feel defeated and angry. So, I posted on Instagram a “rant” of my frustrations. In my rant, I called people out and tagged them. In hopes to get their attention………..
Saturday was a new day. One of my co-workers was getting married. The other co-workers and I decided to get a hotel room. We were excited, it was going to be a fun night. My friend looked stunning. The service was very beautiful. It was filled with stories about their love and their faith in God. But there was one part that stuck out to me the most. During the middle of the service, the Pastor pulls out a pitcher of water and a glass. He fills up the glass and guzzles the water. Then he filled the glass up again and continued to drink the water until the pitcher was empty. At first, I was nervous, thought maybe he was going to pass out or something. He then asked Cody and Anna (the beautiful bride and groom) what would you rather be, the pitcher or the glass. The pitcher continues to fill you up when you are empty. You rely on that pitcher to replenish you. However, there will be days, because we are human, that both vessels will be empty. He then stated that when both have nothing to give, when you feel empty, defeated, or tired, look to the Pitcher “God.” For he can replenish you. He knows and loves you through and through, he knows what you need, and he will not forsake you.
I sat in prayer on Sunday. I was praying to be replenished because I am tired. Praying that I would hear back from someone. Praying that I would get a job doing Suicide Prevention full-time, because right now, I’m doing all of this with because I care, there’s no money. Praying that I would find a job so that I can at least continue doing this important work. Praying about my rant. Praying that they would hear me. Praying that something would happen. Sooner than later because I don’t want to burn out. Eventually, I will have to find a job, so I can pay bills. Please “Pitcher” do you hear me? Later in the day, I came across my memories for the day, June 23rd, and I got a little message from Aria.
She was right………. I have been mean, rude, and impatient about my mission. Who am I to call people out for not doing what “I expect” them to do. I realized, I needed to take down that rant, immediately. It doesn’t serve me to call people out for their lack of response. It doesn’t serve God and it doesn’t serve Aria. It belittles the mission. So, I apologize. I apologize to everyone who saw it. I was mean, rude, and impatient. As soon as I took it down, NO JOKE, this popped up on my Instagram feed,
So today, I give it to God, fully. He will lead me where I am supposed to go. Maybe I will never get Suicide Prevention Courses mandated throughout Minnesota. Or inspire research in how we look and approach suicide prevention in children. Maybe I’ll never be a School Accredited Suicide Preventionalist (which I am in the process of getting, btw)
If anything, there are 6 things I hope that people get from this blog. 6 because 3+2+1= 6