Saturday, October 12th marked one year since I started dating my boyfriend. Actually, it was October 7th, however, Aria passed on the 6th, the 7th is the day after and I didn’t want our anniversary to be so close to that day. So, we decided to take 21 (Aria’s birth date) and switch it around to 12. Making our anniversary, October 12th.

My relationship isn’t something I talk about on social media or really at all. I may have mentioned him a time or two. My family and close friends know and adore him. But, it has been hard for me to talk about something good in my life, when at the same time, the worst possible thing that could happen to me did, losing Buggy. It’s a hard thing to digest, not just for me, but I’m sure to others as well.

I met him Spring/summer of 2018. But we didn’t start dating until October. He is quiet, kind, caring, private, strong, hardworking, selfless, and incredibly supportive. He was unlike anyone I had ever dated before. Things moved pretty quickly and decided I wanted to introduce him to Aria. Which was HUGE for me. Aaron was the last guy I dated that she knew and we were together for 9 years. Aaron is her step dad and she was very close to him. I dated someone briefly afterwards that she met, but, not on my terms. He saw her playing in the game room at Bunny’s and he introduced himself while I was working. Even after I asked him not to, I was pissed. Whatever, the point I’m trying to make is, I wanted Aria to meet Nick.

Nick and I don’t go out much, so a lot of the time we spent together was at my place. Aria would have her friends come over often. They gifted him a middle name because he doesn’t have one, Samuel. One night, the kids were over and were hanging and watching TV in the living room. I can’t remember if it was Aria or Neha that asked Nick for some “boy advice.” They asked Nick, what their guy friend should do when it came to asking out the girl he likes. I was just feet away in the kitchen, probably making popcorn, I hear Nick say,

“Tell him, full send.”

I then hear the girls “Yea, that’s what we were saying. I knew Samuel would know what to do.”

I peek my head out of the kitchen,

“What the heck did you guys just say?”

“Full send, Mom”

“What the hell does that mean?”

Nick then says “It basically means, go for it, go all in, like, put your all into it.”

I had never heard that term in my life. I laughed and joked about how my daughter and younger boyfriend speak an entirely different generational language than I. That was a good night.

I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again, I don’t think I’d be here if Nick wasn’t next to me the morning I got the call. He hasn’t left my side since. I have never experienced such an incredible amount of love and support from a partner. He’s gone above and beyond during the worst time of my life. People would tell me that when you find the right person, it’s easy. With him, it is! Yet, there is so much guilt that comes with it. How can I be happy about my relationship? Why did I have to find him now? Maybe if I met him earlier all of this could have been avoided?

Saturday night we went to dinner and a movie. Sunday morning, I woke up and headed to church. On my way to church, I was thinking about our night while ruminating the same thoughts. How can I be happy about my boyfriend? I lost my baby. Ugh, I miss Buggy. Omg, I miss her so much! How can I celebrate ANYTHING for even a moment? Ughh, I’m awful, I’m just awful. This feels wrong.

I get to church and I notice on the bulletin the song for the offering is a song I sang at Park before. I then, remember the words,

“I am the one. I am the one. I am the one that came back to say Thank You. Lord, for all that you’ve done. I’m grateful for everything you’ve done. I had to come back, my heart made me run back and tell you, Thank you.”

The song goes on to tell the story of the 10 lepers who ran to Jesus to be healed. Jesus healed them all. 9 of the leper’s ran away with excitement back to their homes and families. People suffering from leprosy were quarantined, it was social genocide. You did not want to have it and you were ostracized from everyone who didn’t have it. Anyways, only 1 of the healed leper’s came back to thank Jesus for what he did.

This sermon spoke to me. Although circumstances are very different, I felt like it was God telling me I can be GRATEFUL.

My gratefulness for Nick doesn’t “X out” my grief or does it stop me from missing my daughter. Grief is really a strange thing. It’s hard to explain unless you’ve experienced it, but, I will always grieve Aria. Every day, every minute, every experience, every holiday, every birthday, every single moment I’ve had to live without her, there is a hole! It’s like a piece of you is missing. I will miss her and grieve the loss of her for the rest of my life.

At the same time,

I know Aria wouldn’t want me to be alone.

I am grateful for Nick.

I am grateful for the 13 years and 321 days I got with Aria. She taught me how to love. She brought pure joy every single day. She has restored my faith in God. I know that I will be with her again. Aria you will forever be the greatest thing that has ever happened to me and the thing I am most proud of.

And for that, Lord, I am grateful!

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