On Friday, I went to the Anthony Hamilton concert with my girlfriends. I like him a lot but, I primarily went to hear one song “Pass Me Over.” That song has been one of my favorite songs for years. Why, I don’t know? It has always spoke to me. It’s one Christian song in the middle of a full R&B album. It’s not hidden, it just exists. I don’t remember if it was a “single” or not. But, the album came out in 2005, the year Aria was born.
Anyways, he didn’t sing it. I was super sad. Along with my friends and family that were there with me. I couldn’t believe it! I needed to hear that song because I can relate to it now more than I ever have.
The song goes,
“If you catch me dreaming, please don’t wake me until I’m done, just leave me sleeping, until the morning comes. Just Pass Me Over, make believe that I’m not there, just leave me be, until my savior comes.”
As I sit here while everyone is getting ready for the Holidays, I can’t help but want myself and the celebrations to be “Passed Over.”
I figured the best thing for me was to keep myself busy. I committed to making today full of cooking and singing at church for our “Thanksgiving” service. It was the first time I’d ever participated or went to that service. However, I knew I needed it! Regardless, of trying to keep myself busy, there has been a heavy weight over my head, shoulders, and heart. This is my first Thanksgiving without Aria. There is nothing I can do to distract myself from the reality that Aria is not here.
Last night, I had a little to much to drink so I left my car at my dads house. I needed to be at church by 5:45pm tonight. So, Nick dropped Ashlee and I off at my dads house by 5:15 to grab my car and keys. As we walked in to quickly grab my keys and race to church, my dad said he wanted to come. Initially, I was nervous. It can be a lot to transport him. Especially on a whim. I wasn’t prepared, but, I was so happy he wanted to come. So, we headed to church, we sat him down and got him set up, but, I was 25 minutes late for rehearsal.
I ran upstairs to quickly rehearse. When we finished I came into the sanctuary to see my dad, Nick, and my Mom. Soon to follow, my sister Ashlee. Other than wishing so badly to see Aria’s face in the audience, those four faces are the ones I call on mostly for support. They were the ones I needed to see. I cried the whole time while singing with the choir.
It wasn’t a traditional service. It was very relaxed. There weren’t a lot of people there which made it more intimate and even more special. The congregation got into a circle and “popcorned” around the sanctuary what we are most thankful for……..
“Although I only had Aria for 13 years and 321 days, I am thankful for the 13 years and 321 days I had with her.”
I left feeling grateful I went. Grateful for the people that were with me. However, I just don’t feel right. I couldn’t finish the blog yesterday. I woke up this morning to my 1 and a half year old upstairs neighbor running back and forth and back and forth. Laughing and giggling and making a ton of noise, ironically his name is Ari. “Good morning Ari” has become a daily phrase these last few weeks since he’s getting the hang of walking/running. I was kind of hoping I would wake up with something super contagious so I didn’t have partake in today’s events. My heart hurts. I can physically feel it.
Getting ready feels like a task, drinking water feels like a task. I just want to lay in bed and let the holidays Pass Me Over.
However, that does not serve God nor does it serve Aria. As much as I want to lay in bed and do absolutely nothing, I will rejoice and be thankful for what I do have.