If I were to write a “self help” book about How to deal with grief, it would start something like this,
“Grief is not linear. It does not go away. There is no formula for how you will grieve and when it will hit. There are many different emotions that people who experience grief may feel, but, there is no order. You may feel some, all, or only identify with one. But, everyone‘s grief journey is different. There’s no right or wrong way. So, who am I to tell you how to, or what to expect as you grieve?”
I would then leave the rest of the book blank.
One of my best friends lost her dad a month and a half before I lost Bug. She has a hard time talking about him and looking at pictures. For now, that’s what works for her. However, I HAVE to talk about Bug. I grab my phone immediately when it turns midnight to check my Facebook and Snap memories. Talking and writing about her and watching her videos, keeps her memory alive and in a sense, keeps her alive. Irrational? Maybe? But that’s what works for me.
I was semi shocked by how smoothly Christmas went. I was expecting to be an absolute mess. But, I actually did “ok.” I cried on our way to my moms house on Christmas Eve. I text this to myself so I could remember.
“Driving to my mom and Gary’s on Christmas Eve, reminded me of the drive to their house the morning I found out she passed. Full of fear, disbelief, not wanting to go, and yet a little hope. Hope that maybe they got it wrong. Maybe it was a mistake, maybe they revived her, maybe she was still alive. For Christmas, I hope to have some peace, to not be overwhelmed with emotion to the point that I can’t stay, and to be able to enjoy the time with my family.”
I was able to do that. I wrote this on my home.
Being a kid when having my kid, I don’t have many memories with out her! There is this feeling that comes naturally around Christmas when you are a child. It slowly fades the older you get. However, when you become a parent the magical feeling of excitement and anticipation returns.
As Nick and I drove home from my parents I put on Christmas music to try and feel………… but, there was no connection. Our drive home would have been the same drive Aria and I took back to our house. Once home, I’d let her open up her presents from me. She’d then put herself to sleep quickly so she could wake up early to see what Santa brought the next morning.
So, to be honest, Christmas wasn’t nearly as hard as I thought it would be. Probably because during holidays, anniversaries, and birthdays, you emotionally prepare yourself. I made sure to surround myself with people I love. You mentally expect the worst, so, if everything does fall apart, you are at least somewhat prepared.
Yet, when driving to meet my girlfriends for dinner tonight, I could barely breathe from crying so hard. The other night, I got an email from one of Aria’s teachers and tears streamed down my face for a good hour. I couldn’t help it. I’ve gotten good at hiding when I cry. Not that I’m ashamed to cry, I just don’t like the attention that comes with it. This last week, I can’t sleep longer than four hours. I toss and turn in bed till 4 or so. I talk to God and Aria. Ideas and plans for how to address suicide prevention hit me in the middle of night like I’m in a boxing match. I run to the living room and write them down so I don’t forget. I get back in bed and the cycle repeats. I’m exhausted!
I’ve missed writing. I took 2 weeks off but I really think it’s played a role in my health. Writing about Aria and suicide prevention keeps me semi sane (I’m still crazy). I have a vision and a plan that maybe God and Aria DONT want me to take a break from. I promised Aria I would spend the rest of my life honoring her by writing with/for her to make systematic change.
Don’t expect another break for awhile. It will be interesting to see if I start sleeping better now that I’ve gotten some things off my chest. As for now, I’m tired and going to bed!