Last night, I prayed hard for clarity on the issue I was going to bring up in today’s blog. In my dream, Aria was gone for awhile(she was presumed dead) but then showed up. She had been in a hospital or treatment of some sort for suicidal ideation or an attempt. When she came home, I was over the moon that she was alive, life was “good again.” However, I couldn’t leave her alone. I followed her constantly. I never let her be by herself. I slept next to her every night. Every time she was out of my sight, I would immediately panic. In fear that she would try again. I was completely consumed and overwhelmed by trying to prevent her from attempting again. She had no freedom, no social or personal life, which ultimately further suicidal ideation. I was right back to where I started. I woke up knowing she passed in my dream even after all that work. It was the clarity I needed for this blog.
Through this blog and in my own personal time, I go over and over every step in my head leading up to her death. I have 1,000’s of texts and videos. I’ve looked through some, searching for clues on what lead up to her final decision. Since her passing, I have found out ALOT of information. Stuff that I haven’t really expressed on the blog. Aria was being bullied by people she called friends. She was encouraged to self harm. She also may have been a victim of sexual assault. I still don’t know all the details, I’m working on it. There is a lot of speculation on my end, but, as far as I know, there is no definitive experience or answer for why Aria chose to take her own life.
People might think I’m crazy, but, I don’t care. I talked to Aria last week. She came to me and she told me she was worried about me. Worried that I’m not taking care of myself. If I’m honest with myself and all who read this blog, I’m not. I’m consumed in trying to find out why? I have gotten comfortable in unhealthy habits. I’ve gained a ton of weight. I ruminate for hours, I can’t sleep.
She told me she loves the blog but she feels like it grudges up hard emotions and keeps me in a cycle of not healing. She said that people are responsible for their own actions. Just like in my dream. Even with me trying so hard to prevent her from passing, it still happened. There is nothing I can do or say now that will change the outcome. Nothing will bring Aria back. Sometimes I write this blog and think, gosh, if I just would have done this, or this, or this, or this, I could save her.
Maybe I’m trying to validate my own self?
Maybe I’m trying to force myself to believe that I could have stopped it?
And that….is what Aria wants me to let go of.
I am fully on board to tackle prevention nationally and globally from here on out, but, I need to come to grasp with my own reality. I’ve noticed as each Wednesday approaches, I’m having a harder time finding compelling and important information to write about on a weekly basis. If you look back, you’ll see my blogs are posted later and later on Wednesday evenings. I always thought that I was posting this for Aria. However, Aria doesn’t want me stress about this. It doesn’t serve her and it doesn’t serve me!
Reality is that I’ve lost MY way. Aria, wants me to find it. When I became a mom at 20, my priorities changed. The dreams I had for myself faded away because I needed security for Aria and I. I wouldn’t replace it for the world. I can say with PURE confidence that Aria is the only thing I ever knew I truly wanted. Never questioned it once. Sorry to the guys I’ve dated! NO, Aria was it! She was the one! They would agree with that statement!
So now what? I love helping people. I’m in a job that I like, but, don’t see myself doing forever. I have long term goals on suicide prevention steps that I want to to be implemented. But, I need to alleviate some expectations in my life that I put on myself, and focus on my healing!
First thing, I’m going to start writing every OTHER Wednesday. From there, I’ll see how I feel and readjust.
Strangely, during Bugs and my “encounter” and me realizing what I needed to “listen to my heart” she said,
“Sing Mama Sing.”
This threw me off. I don’t want to sing other than in church, but, she requests otherwise.
Who knows what this means? But, taking a step sideways (not backwards) from this blog, will open up time for me to explore ways for me to heal.
I’ll tell ya, Aria gave me a 1000 stamps of approval!
I am so grateful for everyone who has read this blog and let Aria and I into your hearts! There is so much work to be done. I want to be 100% authentic. I want what I say in this blog to matter.
I’m going to Blog every other week. If I don’t have anything to say, I’m just going to be honest. Because, honesty is the best policy. God bless you all. Thank you for all your kind words and messages. I promise I’m still fighting. I will keep you all posted along the way. But, I also need time to take care of myself.