Joy | Grief | Action | Change

Hello everyone, its been a while since I have posted. A lot has happened since my last post. Yet, I felt like I didn’t have anything to say, so, I didn’t.

Aria’s 15th birthday passed, with no party. It still makes me cry when I think of it. Nick and I did our best to celebrate her at home. However, it was right when the Stay at Home order was enforced. So, everything was gone. There were no Jack’s Cheese Pizza’s, no popcorn, no coke. It didn’t feel like her birthday. As I told you guys on the last blog, she loved the lead up to her birthday and then the celebration. But, this year fell short, for so many reasons.

Did I ever tell you guys that Aria’s bday and my birthday are 3 weeks to the day apart? If Aria’s birthday is a Monday, mine is Monday, etc. etc. I loved it, I always thought it was one more thing that bonded us. My little Aries cusp. Two Aries women under one roof, never a dull moment.

I had a wonderful birthday. By the time my birthday came around, people felt cooped up enough that they were ready to do drive-by’s, have conversations 6 feet apart, maybe even a beer. I felt so loved, strangely, it was one of my favorite birthdays. Of course I wish Bugs was here for it, but, my friends and family really went out of their way to make my day special.

I promise you will get your 15th birthday celebration Bug!!

Weird times right?

After Aria passed, I took some time off of work. During that time, I didn’t know the day or the hour. There was no concept of time. I remember the day Aria passed, I went to my moms, then to my dad’s because I didn’t know where else to go. Then realized I should probably go home. But I thought, whats the point? I don’t have to be there to meet Aria after school. She’s not there. By that time, I had drank enough to pass out, so I did. There are no words that can describe that feeling other than, empty. Nothing mattered, nothing, other than wanting to hold her so badly I could feel my skin crawl and my heart physically breaking. I would trade everything to have her back.

I can’t help but compare that no concept of time, reality check of what truly matters, with Covid and the state of the world. I went back to work on April 1st and realized quickly how unhappy that job made me. Even prior to Buggy’s passing, I knew. I only kept the job because I financially needed it to keep Aria and I afloat. I wonder everyday if I had left earlier, would I have been more tuned in? Could I have noticed something that would have ultimately saved her life? I don’t know. But, I can’t help but think it is a possibility.

Do you think maybe God’s trying to get our attention? To be in tune with ourselves? Remind us of how great a hug feels from someone we love. Remind us how easy it was to go visit our loved ones and we chose not to because we were too caught up with work and blah blah blah…..Remind us how vulnerable we all are?

Are we supposed to start seeing things differently? What is this situation trying to tell us or teach us? Covid doesn’t discriminate, it doesn’t see money, it doesn’t see race. Maybe social class, which is another argument for another day. But, it comes (for the most part) at no of the fault of the sick. How much money you make, can not save you. So, truly whats its worth? In the midst of a pandemic, money can’t save you.

Is that the lesson? Have we become so greedy and so wrapped up in our constant busy lifestyles that God wanted us to take a break. Maybe recognize that the people who work at Target, Whole Foods, Trader Joes, Walgreens, are just as essential to keeping us alive, as a doctor would be if we caught the virus.

I keep seeing people saying they want to “go back to normal” but, we can’t. Our old way was not working. If we don’t come out of this with a new found respect for humanity, the importance of a living wage for ALL WORKERS, and access to healthcare and affordable housing for all, we missed the lesson.

We have to develop a “new normal.” ( P.S. As a therapist, I don’t like the word normal)

But after Buggy died, I was thrown into a “new normal.” I became a mom at 20. I don’t remember a life without her. Except for the one I live right now.

I had to learn to adapt to the idea that she’s not going to be home. I can’t check on her in the middle of the night anymore. I don’t have to check why shes home late from school. I don’t have to make sure her homework is done. Holidays and birthdays and game nights will never be the same. Grocery shopping isn’t the same. Its been a complete unexpected and unwanted “new normal.” I’m still affected by it everyday. During Quarantine its been super hard for me to hear people bitch about being stuck at home with their kids. I’d do anything to be stuck with her, for her to be mad at me and for her to annoy me. Id give anything……

This week, her cousin who is a month to the day younger than her, turned 15. That hurt. I cried harder on his birthday than I did on hers. The idea that I won’t be able to share those mile stones with her, made me sick. Looking at him at 15 and seeing how much he’s grown. I don’t get to know what Aria would look like at 15. I don’t know what she would want( I have an idea) but, I don’t know for sure. It sucks, but its my “new normal.”

We will all have to adjust to a “new normal” after Covid. It can never be the same.

Categories: Uncategorized

Comments (2)

  • Charlotte Olson . June 9, 2020 . Reply

    Thank for sharing…

  • noah bergland . February 1, 2021 . Reply

    We are all in this together, stay strong.

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