Joy | Grief | Action | Change

(Potential Trigger Warning)

I am going to be very honest, this was an extremely tough week for me. It started with work on Thursday morning. I walk into my daily morning meeting and was told by a coworker that a former (but recent) client tried to complete suicide by jumping off a bridge but lived. It took me by surprise. But, mostly I was just mad. As happy as I am that she lived, I was pissed the client lived and Buggy didn’t. I have asked the “why Bug” question more this week than I have in the past 4 months. Its not a logical question. There are no answers other than, it was Buggy’s time.

As I was walking out of work on Friday, I saw the attempter’s closest friend sitting on our bench outside. I sat down beside her and ask how she was doing?  She stated that she felt “guilty.” I asked, why? The client stated she convinced the attempter to watch a movie together. The movie ended with a couple jumping off a bridge together to end their lives. She felt by watching that movie, it put the idea to complete in her head. All I could say is that’s not true. The attempter made her choice to jump on her own. But, I understood her. It reminded me of the Friday before Buggy passed.

In October, my best friend Alli and I went to see A Star Is Born. I fell in love with the movie, the music, everything about it. I noticed while watching the movie that the song “La vie en rose” sounded familiar. I didn’t know why at the time. Come to find out it was on Bugs and my Apple Music account. Aria downloaded 4 different versions of it before A Star Is Born even came out. So, I wanted Aria to see A Star is Born, so badly. I thought she would love the music and the love story. Besides, she already loved Gaga. I was convinced she would love it. There was nothing that made me think she shouldn’t see the ending. The movie finally came out on Demand and we planned all week to watch it on Friday, February 1st. I said that she could invite 1 maybe 2 friends. I would cook dinner, grab popcorn and snacks and we’d have a relaxing movie night.

After work I went straight to the grocery store. When I got home, there were 6 kids in my house. I was kind of annoyed, I was really looking forward to having a quiet night with Bug. However, I was still determined to watch the movie. Two of the kids had already seen it. The other 3 “said” they verified with their parents that it was “ok” they watch the movie. I made walking tacos. Then set the floor up with lots of blankets and pillows so the girls could snuggle on the floor to watch the movie.

“Movie night, Friday, February 1st. We are missing a kid or two in this!

The movie starts, and they are giggling and not paying attention. I must have told them 15 times to be quiet until finally I said, “If you guys aren’t interested in watching it, go in the other room.” A few of her friends went in the room while Aria and a couple others stayed. About half way through, Aria turns to me and say’s “Mom, I’m really sorry but I want to hang with my friends and we are bored.” I said, “Fine, go in your room.” A few of her friends left and it was just her and 2 others. I walked in the room after the movie was over and I told her how hurt I was. I said, I was really looking forward to having a movie night with her. In pure Aria fashion, about 10 minutes after we had that convo she comes out of her room to tell me her and her friends made up an “I’m sorry dance.” I couldn’t help but laugh. Me, Aria, and the two other girls ended up spending an hour just talking and dancing in the living room until around midnight. Even though, it wasn’t how I had anticipated my night, it was better, and I am grateful for how the night panned out.

I think now, what if she did see the tragic ending? I would never be able to forgive myself. I would have the same guilt as my client. I thank God everyday for not putting that extra burden on my heart.

Sunday, February 3rd was Superbowl Sunday. Nick was working till 6:00, Aria was at a friend’s till 6:00, and I was home all day by myself cooking a chicken tortilla soup. Suddenly, while preparing the soup, I was overcome with emotion. I cried for 2 hours straight, like, whaling crying. I don’t know why, I could not stop. It didn’t make any sense. I often wonder now, if it was my subconscious knowing that this would be our last Sunday together and that in just 2 short days, my world would change forever.

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Comments (1)

  • AC . June 20, 2019 . Reply

    Never stop writing these! I look forward to reading every week!

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