I initially passed on writing this blog. I don’t want to accept that she is gone. And I don’t want people to read about how painful it is for me – because that makes the pain tangible. So I procrastinated and avoided getting started on it. I told myself let’s get back into pretending she isn’t gone – even just for a few more days.
Last week when I told my Godparents that I was going to be writing Buggy’s blog, but I hadn’t yet decided what I was going to say, my aunt handed me a plastic container with a monarch caterpillar chrysalis hanging from the top. “This might help” she said.
I felt saved!
YES! This is my content and I can use this as a metaphor to tell the story about Buggy. My aunt said it would probably hatch in a week or so. I was going to take a photo a day and have this clever way of sharing my pain in a way that landed nicer for others who read it. Problem solved.
I brought the container home and placed it on the table outside. I left it undisturbed on the deck. Checked on it a few times. I only took my camera out once, that was the day she flew away. I wanted to create some fluff around this blog so that it would be easier to metabolize aka staying in denial for even longer. Creating a cute storyline with the butterfly would allow me to keep it surfacy.
However, us adults trying to justify our shitty behavior in an effort to portray our existence as something that is not – is the exact opposite message Buggy sent by leaving us here by ourselves.
Aria signaled to us that ALL THIS OTHER SHIT DOESNT MATTER. If it’s not rooted in love, humanity or creativity – it is meaningless. I think Aria observed us adults in her life at home and school fake literally all of it.
It is clear that part of my responsibility as her aunt, as a mother and as a human being occupying space is to answer her call to action.